Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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