please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
