dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
