dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
