mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The Olympian is in my bed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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