I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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