I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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