My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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