Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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