He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
