My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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