Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
