did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
