Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
