The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
