were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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