Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
