God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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