I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
