please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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