So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
