Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
