I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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