I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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