break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
