his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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