Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
