she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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