New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
