My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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