i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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