it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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