seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
