I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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