my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
