Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
