There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
