Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
the day after is always just damage control
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
