imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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