my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
