Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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