omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
