My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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