her facebook's as public as her vagina
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
