My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
