Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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