i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
