last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
