By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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