??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
