if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
