awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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