she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
