Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
